This is what conditional love looks like:. Loving without boundaries can lead to serious issues, like being unhappy, abused and taken advantage of.
If there are strings attached to love…OOF! Love is not unconditional if you or your partner are expecting the other person to be emotionally obligated in one way or another. Yes, you should totally expect that the respect and love you give is reciprocated. Boundaries are sooooooo important in relationships. This behaviour can lead to hurt, neglect, pain and even abuse. You are not meant to tolerate abuse and disrespect. That should never — everrrrr — be expected of you by your partner!
Remember that your needs matter and you deserve kindness and respect from the other person. Remember how we said that you are not obligated to assist someone and respond to their request if it compromises you in any way? Apply that shit here! You can still give someone unconditional and selfless love while respecting yourself and your boundaries. You come first, baby!
It helps both of you know what you need and expect from each other, and serves as a blueprint for how to go about your relationship. This is for allllll relationships. It might be hard to establish these boundaries with people, like your parents or friends, if there is already a lot of history between you.
But boundaries are necessary in order to have a healthy and respectful relationship, no matter what the dynamic is. Remember, your love did not make them indebted to you. They do not owe you anything. But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. You can walk away from people that you've loved very much in order to take care of your own needs and safety. Love without boundaries can lead to unhappiness at least and abuse at worst.
If we do not let our partners, parents, children, and friends know where we stand in terms of how we expect and need to be treated, then we will not have an equal voice in the relationship. Sometimes, we ignore these needs for boundaries in the name of "unconditional love.
We are offering codependent love. In codependent relationships , we are so set on maintaining the dynamics in the relationships that we excuse or enable unacceptable behavior. Again, this leads us to a place of unbalanced power and control rather than into a place of truly connected love in which we offer each person an opportunity to be responsible for their behavior with us. There's a distinct line between loving someone through the hardships vs.
The latter becomes apparent when the relationship is no longer offering the basic needs of a relationship. If someone has harmed you and they are not willing to repair it, then you need to set a limit for your own well-being. If you find that the relationship has devolved into behavior that lacks kindness and respect, then it's likely that a boundary needs to be set. This is especially true if you have tried to communicate clearly and still see no change.
If you are enabling the person in a way that negatively affects your well-being, that isn't unconditional love—it's unhealthy, codependent love. While we can offer unconditional love to others even when they are being difficult , we don't have to offer love without bounds. You can offer love that has no strings attached while still having boundaries.
Unconditional love gets muddied when we believe that we have to continually offer that love even when basic relational expectations are no longer being fulfilled. Unconditional love means "right now, I offer you this love, and you are not indebted to me.
For example, let's take a healthy relationship in which a couple is offering each other the basic and necessary expectations in a relationship—kindness, respect, and safety. And then, that changes—one person goes through something and begins to treat their partner with disrespect or cruelty. When that changes, you can choose to put boundaries in place or distance yourself.
This doesn't mean your love hasn't been unconditional. In this case, you offered your love freely as long as you could, and then in the moment you needed to care for yourself, you set healthy boundaries. Unconditional love means offering love without conditions in that moment.
It does not necessarily mean forever. It means, "The love I am giving you right now is yours to keep. I am doing it of my own free will. You owe me nothing in return. It also is the type of love that allows us to continually reassess the relationship and decide, over time, if it is still working for us and if we are still able to give our love so freely. The word unconditional can sometimes create confusion or lead us to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the way we love.
If it's easier, consider instead the idea of wholehearted love. In this sense, unconditional love doesn't mean always giving people what they want or always accepting what they do, at the expense of your own needs. Instead, it is a mature type of love that means treating the other person with love and respect, even while maintaining your boundaries and protecting yourself. Whereas the immature version of unconditional love would have you feeling as though you must be everything to the other person, the mature version has you recognize that your only obligation, in the face of the other's behavior, is to communicate your message with love and respect.
Unconditional positive regard means the following:. When we think about how to go about loving someone unconditionally in a relationship, the following points emerge:. We are programmed in life to have conditional love.
You love your partner because of their unique traits and qualities that attracted you to them. It's why you love them and not another person. The question becomes, if they change, at what point is love withdrawn? True mature love should come with no strings attached. It is a behavior, rather than a feeling, a point of confusion that can lead to the breakdown of romantic relationships. The satisfaction of unconditional love should come from the act of giving it to the other person, not from what you receive in return.
If we think about unconditional love as the "expression of our kindest self," it can be maintained even if a relationship does not survive. You might know couples who still love each other but are no longer together. If a relationship is hurting you more than it is good to you, it is OK to feel unconditional love but let the relationship go. Unconditional love is basic goodness and the total acceptance of someone, but it does not mean tolerating abuse, neglect, or other dealbreakers.
What about the less clear area of falling out of love with someone? If you still show them unconditional love, you will find a way to kindly and gently end the relationship. In essence, when we first fall in love, it's in an unconditional state, and we can't ever imagine not feeling this way about the other person. But we live in a conditional world, and relationships do end.
We all have different tastes and needs, and these can change over time. One thing is certain: Relationships that are completely lacking in unconditional love are unlikely to succeed. Beliefs and lifestyle are likely to change over time, and if you aren't willing to see your partner go through changes, it could spell the end for the two of you. You can be more to your partner when you offer unconditional love in the mature sense.
One way to tap into this is to be mindful of the present moment. Depending on the circumstances, you might agree to work together on rebuilding trust and your savings , but you might also see no future in the relationship. You can walk away still holding forgiveness and love in your heart. No one person can provide another person with everything they need. Perhaps your partner says unkind things after drinking. You want them to be happy, but what if quitting drinking and dealing with the issues that trigger the urge to drink would improve their health and help them find greater happiness?
Blanket tolerance for harmful behavior can prevent them from making needed changes. The responsibility for their actions rests entirely in their hands.
As one philosophy professor pointed out , even the love between a parent and a child falls short of unconditional. A parent might love their child no matter what they do, but this love still has a condition: They love their child because their child is theirs.
In a similar vein, consider the love you have for your partner or anyone else. What triggered it originally? Perhaps you felt attracted to certain specific characteristics: sense of humor, a kind heart, intelligence. If they no longer had those characteristics, would your love continue, unaltered? From a philosophical perspective, if conditions never change, you might never know whether your love truly is unconditional.
In reality, love grows and shifts over time. It can also fade, through no fault of anyone involved. Love changes, in part, because people change. You, or your partner, may not be the same person years down the line. Instead of seeking out an idealized, potentially unattainable type of love, try for a better, more realistic, goal: mature love founded on compassion and respect.
While a parent may love their child from the moment of birth, romantic love can take a little more time and effort.
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